My Voice, My Thoughts

Time to speak out

Not one single thought goes by… April 2, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — kuya201 @ 7:30 pm

Why is that I feel that I over think things? I feel that something comes into my life and I either question it, or over think things that don’t need to be thought over so.

Why does it feel that I am the only one that does the things I do. I feel I am the only one my age that actually interacts with religion, teaches it , professes it and defends it. Other 21 year olds are out drinking and partying without a care in the world. I wish I could not care so much, I could go out and live that kind of life. I do drink occasionally, but can’t go out every night like everyone else does, I’ve seen enough damage caused by it. I’m not saying the things I think about are always related to religion and morals, but it does impact alot of my thinking. I feel it is a blessing and also a curse to think the way I do.

I tend to hide my feelings alot, for fear of being put down. I feel that my whole life I was always downgraded, never good enough. I did not have a normal life, what so ever. I try to live as normal of a life I can possibly lead, but it always comes back and gets me. Damn you brain! Why must you work? ( Better then not working I guess)

 

Every relationship I have been in I tend to over think things and lose trust.

Every friendship- I tend to not trust them either. I’ve been back stabbed too much in the past.

I can honestly say I have never had a true best friend- someone that I can just say how I feel and not worry what they think. I have so many things I want to share about life, many thoughts that just end up bottled up and go unsaid.

Ever since I was young, I always had the feeling that my life had a purpose. I always felt that God had a plan for me, but to this day I still don’t know exactly what He wants me to be doing. I don’t want to disappoint Him. I also felt that I was going to die young, but I have been through many things that could have killed me, but God has helped me through it.

God, what is your plan for me? Is this the struggle I must go through to live the life you chose for me? Are these the crosses I must bear everyday?

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2 Responses to “Not one single thought goes by…”

  1. Gail Says:

    It is interesting that you sometimes feel you don’t know God’s plan for you, and yet you talk in other posts about the ways you have chosen to do something that seems like it is god’s plan, like drama, floral art and joining the Catholic church. You have made some wonderful choices in your life! Some people are just wired to analyze and “over think” stuff. Maybe that’s just the way you are and as you get older you will come to accept that.

    • kuya201 Says:

      I don’t feel that God led me to theater to do something for my life, but maybe he did- maybe we would have the theater, not that I did so much for it, but maybe it is cause and effect. Floral design I do kinda feel that God lead me into that, I never thought I’d be working with flowers, I never really worked with flowers before that class, but it’s my artistic talent that I feel touches people and shows God through me, especially my funeral pieces, but also my many other ways. I do also believe that God led me to the Catholic faith to help strenghten my faith, I feel that if I don’t attend weekly and recieve Jesus in Word and the Eucharist, I am turning my back on God and rejecting him so I try to attend weekly. I just passed my one year mark on Sunday, April 4th- and I feel that I know more then I ever did about God. Yes, at times I do have my doubts in God and myself, but I always come back to him. God is a good listener- he never interupts my thoughts and prayers. I just hope that I’m making good choices in my life, and that I am leading a relativly happy, normal (yet not so normal) holy and artistic life that is pleasing to God, man, and myself.


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